Beauty for Ashes

Grace

2010-10-02T13:08:00.000-04:00

As I sit here in this quiet house, listening to nothing but the heavy breathing of Regan as she's napping in her bouncie (the Dr. says she needs to go on the South Beach Diet to loose some weight, but more in a later post!), I am overcome with thankfulness. What wondrous things God has done for us over these past few weeks. Ryann had complications to a surgery she had earlier in September to untether her spinal cord. If it weren't for God's grace, I don't hesitate to say that things could be much different today. Ryann's middle name is Grace. We put much thought into their middle names, and Grace was to be hers. Grace has been what has gotten us through so many hard times these past few years, and Grace is now what I feel God has once again given to us through such a difficult month. Ryann is home today, sleeping soundly and recovering from 3 spinal surgeries and a brain surgery. She is happy, healthy, and by the Grace of God, she will be fully healed! Thank you Lord for Ryann Grace Harmon!

"911 What's your emergency?"

2010-09-14T21:39:00.004-04:00

This is not a question you want directed at you, and moreover, a question that you need to answer. I've had a few moments these past two years that I will never forget, and this will indeed be one that is added to the short list. Ryann had surgery last Wednesday, September 8th, and so I was home alone Thursday evening with Regan and Reese. (More on Ryann surgery later.) Reese hasn't been herself these past couple of days. She seems fussy and hasn't eaten well. I can't really put my finger on it, but as her Mom, I just knew she was different. I got home from St. Vincent hospital in Indy Thursday evening around 7:30. Exhausted, but relieved to be home, I took back my "baby duties" and let my Mom go home. She mentioned that Reese wasn't herself and that she just seem to miss me. She said when she fed her, it was almost as she was looking at her with a question on her face asking, "where's my mom?" Poor baby! I couldn't put my finger on it, but she just wasn't herself. Because I had spent little time with the girls the past two days as I was splitting my days with Ryann in the hospital and with Regan and Reese back home, I couldn't wait to spend some time with them at their 9:00 feeding. The feeding began just as usual. I changed them and they were smiling and cooing as I put them in their boppies to begin the feeding. Reese was a little fussy as I began to feed, almost as though she realized how hungry she really was (although she just ate 2 hours ago at 7:00!) Shortly after she started eating, the bottle fell out of her mouth and she screamed. When I picked up the bottle, I realized she had already taken 2 ounces, so I knew she was due for a burp. She didn't quite act right as I was burping her, almost like she had an air bubble or something in her chest. Although I burped her for a while, she didn't really burp or atleast that I noticed, but she seemed a little better and more relaxed like she had worked through whatever was bothering her, so I put her back down and started feeding her again. She began screaming again and acting like she was very hungry, half crying, half sucking. And then it happened. She started making a weird noise. I picked her up and she was just different. I picked up the phone to call Adam, but what was he going to do? He was an hour away and couldn't help, so I called my friend Cindy, who lives 5 minutes away. Cindy is also a respiratory therapist, so I knew if something was wrong with her airway, she would know what to do. Besides the fact that I was exhausted and my nerves were shot, I was alone, so I just needed someone with me to convince me that she was okay! I continued burping her and keeping her air way open by putting my hand under her chin, lifting her head. She started to mimic breathing, she was sucking in her chest, but there was no air moving in or out. I kept burping, pausing momentarily to see if she was breathing. I'd feel her chest, I'd feel her back, I'd listen for air movement...there was none! These are all things we've learned to do from the NICU days. Because our babies were premiee's we are familiar with these events and know what to do and how to stimulate them. But even though I was doing everything right, she began to be limp in my arms, I looked at her, and although she hadn't lost consciousness, she was turning blue around her lips and nose. I jumped up, ran to our home phone and called 911. As I rushed over to the phone and dialed, I remember thinking, "I cannot believe this is happening, this just CAN'T be happening!" As soon as I dialed 9-1-1 and pushed the "talk" button, I heard, "911, What is your emergency?" I remember screaming, "My baby's not breathing!!" Immediately, I heard the dispatchers in the background repeating my address to the emergency personnel, so I knew they were on their way. The dispatcher began asking me questions, most of those next few moments, I don't remember. All I remember is saying that she wasn't breathing over and over and praying and all of a sudden she began to cry. Immediately, I knew that this was a good sign! The man asked if that was her and I said it was and he reassured me that if she was crying, she was breathing. All the while, poor Regan was crying because her bottle fell out of her mouth and she was hungry...poor girl! Reese still wasn't quite back to normal, I could tell she was working through it, but she was much better. She stopped crying for a moment, and then began crying again, only this time it was her strong LOUD cry. Thank you Jesus! About a minute later the paramedics and fire trucks arrive. The medical personnel came right inside and took Reese from me. The lady looked at her and Reese smiled. She was ok! A couple minutes later, Cindy arrives at my house. (Cindy left immediately when I called her and she only lives 5 minutes away, and yet the EMT's got there before her...kudos to the fast response of the EMT's!) Thank you Lord for her! The paramedics suggested we take her to the hospital to be evaluated. But, I didn't really feel it was necessary, and with Cindy there, I felt comfortable staying home. Cindy stayed for a while, put Reese in the bouncy seat and sat her right in front of her on the couch. She laid on the couch for about 30 minutes not taking her eyes off of her, looking a her breathing techniques, etc - all of those respiratory therapist things that I know nothing about- and she reassured me that she was ok and I knew the right thing to do as her Mommy. It was 11:30 and we were all exhausted. By now, Reese had been asleep for a while with no incidents. Cindy left, I prayed for protection over them and we all went to bed. What a dramatic ending to a couple of exhausting and emotional days! Friday morning, I got a call from Adam that Ryann was being discharged and by Friday afternoon we were all back as a family, all alive and well! The Lord is faithful!

Conclusion: We still aren't sure exactly what happened to Reese. She might have just got choked up or it might have been her reflux. There's no way to know for sure. She wasn't herself the few days we were going back and forth to Indy for Ryann. Maybe her schedule was off and she wasn't eating or sleeping the same...who knows! I knew all week that she wasn't herself. I couldn't put my finger on exactly what was going on but knew it wasn't quite right. Thankfully, she is back to her beautiful, smiley, and spunky self!

Lesson Learned: If you are like us, we have been debating for days, weeks, months, and years if we should get rid of our land line. We barely use it and feel like we are wasting $40/mo for a phone we hardly use. However, my mind is made up and the discussion is officially over: we are keeping our land line. I had my cell phone sitting right next to me when I knew I needed to call 911. Instead, I instinctively jumped up and headed straight for the land line. I knew they can track me immediately instead of wasting precious time while I tell them my address. Yes, they can eventually track my location with my cell phone using technology like satellites and cell phone towers, but who wants to wait for that? The moment I said, "my baby's not breathing!" I heard someone in the background giving my address to the emergency personnel. I didn't have to give them my address. What if I couldn't remember my address at that moment? What if there was a mix-up in the address he thought I told him? What if this happened just one feed before to my mom and she had to use her cell phone because we didn't have a land line but didn't know my address to tell the dispatcher? What if my cell phone wasn't charged or the cell phone of the baby sitter wasn't charged? So, my take...if you are contemplating ditching your land line, don't!! If you don't have a land line, you might consider getting one! It's worth the $40/mo in our budget and if we can't afford it, I'm willing to forgo a few extras in life to ensure we have this essential safety feature in our house!

Update on Ryann: Ryann had surgery on Wednesday to repair her tethered spinal cord. She did great during surgery and it went completely as planned. We are trusting the Lord for a complete recovery and a perfectly healthy girl! He is our healer!

September 7th

2010-09-07T04:00:00.006-04:00

Today I turn 32. Those who know me know that September 7th isn't just another day, it's a holiday. In fact, the festivities for "September 7th" begins promptly on August 25th (the day after Adam's birthday), and lasts usually a week or two after September 7th. I'm not really at fault for this behavior. You see, in my house, September 7th was a triple celebration. First, and most importantly at the time, it was my birthday, secondly, it was my twin sisters birthday, and lastly, it was my parents anniversary (we were born on their 4th anniversary). And to add to the celebrations, some birthday's fell on Labor Day, and even more special would it be when it was also Grandparents Day. So, as you can see, this first week in September was a very important part of year for me growing up! I didn't know any better but to think everyone had a big celebration for their birthdays like we did! We would usually have a family get together this time of year and inevitably Grandma would always ensure there was a birthday cake there for us and my cousin Marissa (whose birthday was just a week after ours). So, although this annual family gathering was just that, a family get together, in my eyes they were all coming together to celebrate our birthday! Haha! Oh to see life through a child's eye once again!

And then we come to this year. This year has been completely different. There are no festivities, no talk of birthday parties, surprises, cakes, gifts, extravaganza's..ok, extravaganza's might be taking it a little far, but you get the drift...There's only been murmurs of this special day. More like a passing thought, like "oh, I need to get bread at the store on the way home" and not "Yay! It's my birthday!!!" for weeks on end. So, today, there will be no birthday parties, no cake, no surprises, no gifts, no cards, no extravaganza's. I'm sure I'll get the occasional phone call or text or I might even get 20 or so well wishes from my Facebook "friends" but that will be about the extent of my September 7th this year. This year, September 7th begins at about 6:30am with feeding the babies. I'll be busy changing diapers, managing 6 feeding sessions, bathing babies only to end the afternoon by taking all three babies to a wellness check at the doctor's office. I'll come home exhausted and hungry, change and feed the babies, shovel some food - whatever I can find from the fridge - into my mouth in between the evening feeds, wash dishes, fold laundry and put the girls to bed and then crash in bed myself, hopefully around 9:30. September 7th won't be like other years past, it will be better. It will be a day filled with hearts desires met, longings fulfilled and God's faithfulness tangible as I look into the eyes of my three babies. I am so thankful for my three birthday presents this year! What a great day it will be!!!! God's grace is beautiful. He loves us and blesses us, despite us. Thank you Lord!

Pretty Pink Packages...

2010-09-06T15:59:00.005-04:00

Hahaha!! I just have to laugh at myself! You may have noticed that I've recently added a new tab called "Pretty Pink Packages". I was referring to a line in the song from the classic movie "Sound of Music". I thought it said, "Pretty pink packages, tied up with strings, these are a few of my favorite things." However, it just donned on me today that it's not "Pretty pink packages tied up with strings," it's "Brown paper packages"....Oh my goodness! How could I have messed this one up? I love this movie and song! I even sang this song in high school as a solo in a competition! I guess it all boils down to this....do I change the tab to the boring but correct "Brown Paper Packages" or leave as "Pretty Pink Packages?" Decisions, decisions!

Thirty Pink Painted Toes

2010-09-04T00:53:00.008-04:00

We've done it! My heart is so full it's about to explode! We've painted their tiny toenails! I'm telling you...they are just adorable! This is more than just fingernail polish on some toes (30 to be exact), this is the desires of my heart being fulfilled! It's pure enjoyment! We have wanted these children for so long and to have THREE GIRLS in my arms is beyond any emotion I can put into words! Heaven has become tangible! ...and they've been initiated into the world of pink, frill, glam, glitz and all things girly, and I love it!!

30 Pink Painted Toes!

Ever get the feeling someone is watching you? I have 3 sets of eyes on me at all times! As I walk around the house, it's like a tennis match, all three heads move and follow me around watching my every move! I walked behind the girls to take a picture of their toes and this is what I see...

A Mother's Love

2010-08-18T23:20:00.006-04:00

It's really hit me these past few days how much I truly love being a "Mom". Having this title was something that I had dreamed about so often these past 10 years. Sure, I knew I'd love being a mom and having a baby (or in my case, babies!) But I never realized to the extent that I would love it. Not to really compare myself to others, but I have to wonder, does everyone really love being a mom as much as I do or am I just crazy?!? I love it so much, to the point that I think I could easily see us having more in the near future. Tell me moms: Am I just in the "honeymoon stage?" Does it get harder instead of easier? I guess, I think the hardest has already been. Those first few weeks home from the hospital, with little sleep, changing diapers with one eye open, those were the hardest moments. But, if I can be completely honest, I know this sounds ridiculous, it wasn't all that bad! Maybe it's all relative. After going through years of infertility, only to conceive, carry, deliver and bury our twins, and then to have such a rough pregnancy again, only to deliver the girls so early, spending 6 weeks in the hospital worrying about their tiny lives, I guess all of this makes a little sleep deprivation seem minuscule compared to how bad things could really be. I'm not sure I would have loved motherhood this much if I hadn't gone through all that I have had to face these past few years and so, for that, I am thankful for those trials. If it weren't for those difficult times, I'm not sure I would treasure every moment the way I do now. I have to think that I wouldn't take in the moments like I have been with these girls if I hadn't lost Audrey and Avery. Every single time I pick up one of the girls, and yes, it's every single time, I have a "moment" when I just think about them, what they feel like, their weight, what they smell like, etc. and realize the magnitude of what I have in my arms. It sounds cheesy, but it's true. I really appreciate the blessings God has bestowed upon me. I view them like little treasures that you handle with such gentleness and tenderness. I know how precious it is, because of what I've lost. I'm so thankful that God has allowed me to be home with the girls and really by His grace, He has made my home peaceful so that I can thoroughly enjoy every moment I have with them. I didn't have much time with Audrey and Avery, but by His grace and His amazing love for me, He's giving me the chance to fully experience a Mother's Love.

5 Signs of Teething -- wait...did I just say "Teething?"

2010-08-13T07:40:00.005-04:00

I'm suprised to even type this, but I think my baby has begun teething! I know we are in the early stages, but all signs indicate we have officially entered into this phase, ready or not! Regan hasn't been herself since Monday. She doesn't eat well, is fussy after feeding and hasn't slept well. She has a small rash on her chin, although, I haven't noticed much drooling, she has been chewing on her fists a little more frequently, which could contribute to the rash. She wants to be held and consoled often, which is not like her either. She was the easy one, just feed her and she was happy! From what I read, these are all signs of teething! They are almost 4 months old so it's not out of the question, even though they were preemies. I'm just not ready for this! I want them to stay little ones for just a little longer...Please Lord!! :) Here's what the article on What to Expect says about this new phase of life I'm about to stumble into... (sigh)

5 Signs of Teething -- Baby Development Month by Month -- WhatToExpect.com

It's all worth it!

2010-08-10T22:44:00.002-04:00

It was a rough day. I was tired and the girls (Reese and Regan) were fussy all day. It's not like them to fuss, they cry right before they eat and then they are good. Today was a different story. They just wanted held and cried off and on all day. I'm not sure what the problem is, but as soon as I would pick them up they'd stop crying, so I don't think they are sick. So, it's been a LONG day to say the least, but at the last feed, when I was almost at my wits end, Ryann looks at me and laughs. It was a quiet laugh, but she laughed! It just made my day!!! There will be days like this, that are difficult, stressful, or even overwhelming, but at the end of the day, it's all worth it! It's worth every bit of it! There's not a moment I would wish away, only time I wish I could get back! It just goes so quickly! Even though I'm trying to savor every moment, they just fly by before I've had time to really soak it in!

I am not "Sleeping thru the night"

2010-08-10T07:14:00.007-04:00

We haven't been doing middle of the night feedings for 3 weeks today, so technically, the girls have been "sleeping thru the night"...but why am I so tired? Here's my observation: I think it's a misconception that when your baby is sleeping thru the night, that you are as well! Maybe I'm doing something wrong, but I don't seem to get much more sleep than when I was getting up for the middle of the night feedings. Here is what last night was like: I feed at 10:00, which lasts til 10:30. By the time the feed is over, the girls are put to bed and I can finally sit and pump it is nearly 11:00. So, then I pump til about 11:30. Finally, I fall asleep around 11:45-midnight. At 2:30, I start waking up, knowing it's time to pump but am too tired to actually wake up and do so. By 3:00, I'm awake and pumping. I'm back in bed around 3:45. At 4:05, Reese starts crying, so I get out of bed and comfort her, giving her a paci and rubbing her head. After she settles, I go back to bed. 15 minutes later, she's crying again. I get out of bed and console her again, only this time, picking her up and holding her. Because she's really just asleep but fussy, she doesn't want held, so I lay her down, give her a paci (which she doesn't really want), rub her head and she goes back to sleep. 15 min later, same thing, but I just go in and put a paci in and console her, she is almost asleep. Now, it's after 5:00. Finally back to bed. 6:15, Reese is crying and hungry. Time to wake up and feed them. I could put it off and wait for their scheduled 7:00 feeding, but she'll just cry for an hour, and Ryann and Regan start stirring this close to feeding time, so why put it off! Now it's 6:15 and I'm up working with the only solid sleep I got from 11:45-2:30. This is a typical night. It varies between the baby that needs consoling but typically, whenever they get fussy in the middle of the night, it usually takes me about two-three trips to console them and the routine is about the same. They wake up, cry or fuss a little, need some minor consoling and a possile paci and they are ok. So, yes, my babies are "sleeping thru the night," but I am not! Sure, I can go back to sleep after this feeding, but it's always sleeping with one eye open. I know my sweet husband says that I should just sleep all day long if I want, but in all reality, "all day" is only about 45 min here or 30 min there. I could close my eyes during that time, but then the bottles need washed and laundry folded. (note: I could have people come over and help fold laundry and wash bottles, but it's just easier to take the time and do it myself. I usually tell myself, I'll give myself 15 min to do those chores and I'm going back to bed, but typically, the quick task turns into something else or commonly, a baby begins to fuss and I get distracted. I do have people chomping at the bit to help, but we all know how our mind works. We think, "It's just easier to get it done quickly and I can go to bed," only the "go to bed" part just doesn't seem to happen!) So, if my babies are "sleeping thru the night" and I could "sleep all day long if I wanted" why am I so tired!?!

>

Picture Time!

2010-08-08T14:37:00.019-04:00

Erica came to visit last week! We decided to have a photo session with the girls! I think we enjoyed way more than they did! They were over it before we even started! And yes, there were some fights in there, as you'll see below! Haha! Here are some pictures from Erica's camera: (I need to download all my pictures! They add up quickly on my camera!)

My goodness, I love these girls!

Pumping isn't so bad

2010-08-06T03:39:00.004-04:00

I used to dread my middle of the night pumpings. Its no fun waking up out of a dead sleep only to hook yourself up like a cow on a processing line that needs milked. But, I'm starting to use this time to update my blog. There's not much else I can do but sit here and wait. I used to try to stay as asleep as possible, but it doesn't really matter, I'm awake! So, maybe I'll begin utilizing this time a little better and get some things off my 'bucket list' completed! 'm not quite sure why it's taken me this long to think of using this time to my advantage. I suppose that sleep deprivation delays all common sense! I got around to this idea, it only took me 3 months to get there! I'm sure there's a downfall to posting my random thoughts in the middle of the night ...I ramble and may not make much sense, but hey, I don't really go back and read them anyway so I guess you will be left to unscramble my thoughts! Sorry!

My Bucket List

2010-08-05T14:12:00.005-04:00

I sit here thinking about all the things I'd like to do and I've realized I have created my own bucket list, well atleast for the next few months. It's amazing how my mind starts running about all the things I need or want to get completed. I wonder how I'll accomplish all of this with 3 little ones that need so much of my time! But with much organization, and with the Grandma's coming over to babysit, I'm confindent I'll be able to complete these items...well, atleast before I kick the bucket! (Ha...is that the term? Who knows!)

Clear out house for garage sale August 21
Create, print, address and mail out birth announcements
Organize scrapbooks for girls
Finish decorating girls room
Update, recreate and post to my blog
Write/Update baby books
Learn how to work my camera
Read more books - Laura Bush's memoir, Karen Kingsbury, Bringing Up Girls, etc.
Research food - would like to eat clean, not meat and food injected with hormones, etc.
Set up new budget
Prepare a newsletter for WM
Cook...learn how to cook!
Landscape backyard
Exercise
Plant a garden
Learn how to use my sewing machine
Relax - maybe next year!

Think I'll start with...oh wait, a baby is crying! I'll have to get back to this later! Ha!

My Life...in a nutshell!

2010-07-12T12:38:00.011-04:00

I've been asked several times what my day is like, well here it is! It's busy but so wonderful! Here's just today. Of course, I didn't include all the little things I do, like stopping to fold laundry to soothe a cry, or clean up a little spit up, etc. I also was lucky and didn't have any huge spit ups or big blow out diapers today that required extra cleanup time or a bath, but if this happened, I would have to surrender the laundry or dishes to another time or day! There's not a whole lot of time for leeway! :) There's not really a good time to start my schedule since it's essentially on a 3 hour perpetual rotation, but I decided to start with the 7:00 feeding, since that would be a typical start to a day!

6:45 - put bottles in warmer and pump

7:05 - mix cereal and gas drops to warm bottles

7:10 - change Reese and Regan

7:20 - feed Reese and Regan

7:40 - change Ryann

7:45 - feed Ryann

8:00 - put everyone back in bed

8:00 - eat breakfast

8:10 - back to sleep

9:45 - put bottles in warmer and pump

10:05 - mix cereal and gas drops to warm bottles

10:10 - change Reese and Regan (wash down and change clothes)

10:25 - feed Reese and Regan

10:40 - change Ryann (wash down and change clothes)

10:45 - feed Ryann

11:00 - put load in laundry

11:10 - make family business phone calls (make dr appts, call insurance co, etc.)

11:40 - tummy time and play time with babies (Adam is home for lunch)

12:15 - put everyone back in bed

12:20 - switch load of laundry, fold laundry

12:30 - eat lunch

12:40 - get bottles ready (fortify all milk - enough for 5 feedings)

12:45 - warm bottles and pump

1:05 - mix cereal and gas drops into warm bottles

1:10 - change Reese and Regan

1:15 - feed Reese and Regan

1:25 - change Ryann

1:30 - feed Ryann

1:40 - unload dishwasher and hand wash all bottles from last 4 feedings

2:00 - tummy time and play time with babies (pretty much slept whole time!)

2:10 - fold laundry

2:20 - put everyone in bed

2:25 - put laundry away

2:30 - prepare bottles for next 4 feedings

2:45 - ME TIME! (ahhhh....lay on the couch, relax, sleep, blog, facebook, txt, email, whatever!)

3:45 - warm bottles and pump

4:00 - dinner is delivered ...Thank You Lord!

4:05 - mix cereal and gas drops into warm bottles

4:10 - change Reese and Regan

4:15 - feed Reese and Regan

4:20 - Adam comes home!!

4:30 - change Ryann

4:35 - Adam feeds Ryann

4:45 - eat dinner

5:15 - change girls into different outfits

5:45 - go on a stroll to Mamaw and Papaw's house

6:55 - warm bottles

7:00 - Adam changes Reese and Regan while I pump

7:30 - I feed Ryann while Adam goes to pharmacy

8:00 - put everyone to bed

8:05 - get ready for night (putting bibs and diaper clothes out, make sure all bottles are ready)

8:10 - fortify bottles

8:15 - wash bottles

8:20 - prepare bottles for 7 & 10AM feeding

8:30 - time to relax with hubby and watch some TV!!

9:00 - pump

9:30 - go to bed! :)

2:45 - put bottles in warmer and pump

3:05 - mix cereal and gas drops to warm bottles
3:10 - change Reese and Regan
3:20 - feed Reese and Regan
3:40 - change Ryann
3:45 - feed Ryann
4:00 - put everyone back in bed

6:45 - wake up and do it all over again! :)

So, there it is! There's my day!! It's glorious! It's busy! It's my hearts desires fulfilled. :)

(Oh...and you were right, you didn't see a shower scheduled into my day today. Yes, shamefully, I have to admit that I didn't fit this necessity into my day. I guess worse things have happened! Atleast I brushed my teeth and washed my face! Haha!)

Slow your growin' Reese Cup!!!

2010-07-03T20:24:00.001-04:00

My baby is rolling over! Ok...ONE of my babies, that is! Reese decides to roll over out of the blue today! I'm very excited, but very sad too! They are growing way too quickly! I'm trying to savor every moment, but the moments themselves are too fast! My Dad and Kathy were here visiting, so I'm sure she was just showing off for Papaw and Mamaw! :)

2 years and 9 weeks later...God is good!

2010-06-29T21:56:00.007-04:00

Well, it was 9 weeks this past Friday since we've had the girls. I cannot believe how much they've grown! Just 9 weeks ago, my little Regan was only 2lbs 15oz, Reese was 3lbs 2oz and Ryann was 3lbs 5oz and now they are all over 7lbs! They all have changed so much! 9 weeks ago they weren't even able to breathe on their own and now they are thriving! God is good!

Two years ago, June 25, 2008, we had Audrey and Avery. Our lives changed forever in a moment. In just an instant, we had our dreams fulfilled, only to have them replaced with deep heartache. I can't hardly believe it was just two years ago. I think of last year, the one year anniversary of their birth and death. I was in so much grief. But, in that moment, on that very day, I also received a promise from God. I didn't know it was a promise at the time, but it was! I have learned that we don't always see things as they are at the moment but sometimes we get the honor of seeing the promises fulfilled later. See...I took a pregnancy test on this day. One year later, the day was so painful as we relieved that moment. Our hearts ached. But, I felt a little nudge to take a pregnancy test. I kept thinking how torturous it was do this on THIS day. But the nudge was very strong, and I thought what a great testimony it would be if it were positive! It was negative. I was confused and just downright angry. Why would I do this to myself? Why would God do this to me? I talked to a friend who gently calmed my anger and became excited. Excited? Yes! She was excited because she felt like it could very well be a promise instead of a curse. I didn't really believe it then, but God does work in mysterious ways. Sometimes, God's timing isn't our own. One year later, here I am, holding my 3 beautiful girls. Never, never did I believe or think that my life could or would change so fast. God does answer prayers!

Secondly, I recieved a facebook message yesterday from a lady that was our nurse the day we had Audrey and Avery. She said that she hasn't forgotten us and that she thinks of us often. She went onto say that because of witnessing our faith and hope, she renewed her relationship with the Lord. God does make all things good for those who love Him! He's reminded me of how He was in every moment of that day. Although our hearts were breaking, He was holding us. He put people in our path to comfort us and pray and care for us. He was there when we didn't see Him, feel Him or even want Him in our hurt and anger, He was there.

Now, here we are, 9 weeks after the birth of our daughters and 2 years after the birth and loss of our twins. This day was filled with heartache as we remembered the heaviness of that day. But, our day was also filled with feedings every 3 hours, diaper changes, little cries, pouty faces, and sweet smiles as they catch a glimpse of our faces, baths x3 and wardrobe changes in preparation for the girls first photoshoot.

There isn't much else to say, but God is good! Isaiah 61!!

Foggy Night

2010-06-17T21:19:00.002-04:00

It was a foggy night last night. We tried to start the new schedule: Rotating the 10:00 shift every other day, then Adam does the 1:00AM and I do the 4:00AM shift. It didn't get off to a good start. We realized right before Adam was headed to bed that we hadn't given them their vitamins, which requires another bottle with the vitamin mixed with the breast milk. It's not a big deal normally, but at 10:00, with an exhausted mommy, it's a HUGE deal! So, Adam stayed up and helped me feed the girls their vitamins and went to bed. I finished feeding them and got them to bed around 11:00 and started pumping. By the time I was finished pumping, Regan was fussy. The girls love to be swaddled, but will wiggle themselves out of it and be fussy. I will try to swaddle them back up, but I'm not the expert swaddler...Adam is. It secretly drives me bonkers! He's so good at everything! So, I tried several times to swaddle little Regan, but she "Houdini-ed" her way out of it and start to cry. I finally woke up Adam at midnight to help. I felt so bad waking him up because he was in such a deep sleep. Poor guy doesn't know his name for the first 60 seconds after waking up. He was standing over the crib looking at Regan trying to swaddle her, but sort of just tossing the blanket around. Then he asked "where the other one was"...two problems with the question...#1. There's 3 babies, so there's more than just another one. And #2. She (Reese) was right next to her in the crib! (Regan and Reese share a bed, Ryann is in the other crib.) She switch finally came on his brain and he swaddled her and we were able to go back to sleep...at 12:00AM.

Then at 1:30AM Adam wakes me up in a panic! We missed their 1:00 feeding! We slept through my alarm and them crying! We felt so bad!!! Ryann eats at 1:30, but now we had to feed all 3, so I was up again, even though it was technically Adam's shift. Teamwork. Adam said that when he went in to get the girls, Reese had scooted way over to Regan's head and was kicking Regan in the head, and Regan was trying to shew away Reese, all the while they both were screaming at the top of their lungs! So, we each grabbed a baby and started feeding. I noticed that Reese was taking her bottle like a champ! ...or was she? Nope, the nipple wasn't on tight enough, so although she was sucking, she wasn't getting much, it was dumped all down the front of her! If I had the energy, I would have cried, but I was in self-preservation mode, crying exudes energy that I needed to save for later! So, we changed her, heated a new bottle and fed her...AGAIN! We fed Ryann and put them all to bed and crashed ourselves at about 2:45AM.

It's 3:45AM. I wake up to warm bottles and start getting ready for their feed. By the time I fed 3 babies and pumped it was 6:00 before I was back in bed. Thankfully, Adam took the 7:00 feeding so I was able to get 3 1/2 hours of straight sleep, what a wonderful thing!

Today I got to have a little time to myself. Adam is just amazing. I wish I could say more about him, but that about sums it up. He encouraged me to go to my friend's house to swim (float) in their pool. So, with some coaxing, I took a couple hours and floated and had some girl time with some women from our chuch. It was so nice!

Well, it's 9:41, and it's time to start the 10:00 round. It's Adam's turn, but I'm helping and then headed to bed! I love my life!

3 babies...day 3

2010-06-15T21:18:00.003-04:00

It's been a good day! We got decent sleep last night and we are starting to get in a groove. The girls were on a 11:00, 2:00, 5:00, 8:00 feeding schedule. The 11:00 PM schedule was a killer. It was so hard to stay awake long enough to just get to the 11:00 hour, let alone just be starting the feed. So, we decided that a 10:00, 1:00, 4:00 and 7:00 schedule would be much better for our life at this moment. We can both do the 10:00 PM feed and then would share the two night shifts feed. Adam will do the 1:00 and I will do the 4:00 so that when Adam goes back to work, he won't wake up at 4:00 only to go back to bed at 5:00 and wake again at 6:30. The adjustment was easy on the girls. They usually fuss about a half hour before their feed so, feeding them a half hour early made us all happy campers! Tonight's feed at 10:00, 40 min from now, will be the last of the adjustment. I'm hoping they all feed well, so we (I) can go to sleep and get a few good long hours in before they start fussing at 3:30!

They are so cute! We are so in love with them. It's amazing how we can look at them and just smile for no reason at all but that we love them. Every little smirk they make or new noise or cry we find absolutely amazing. We try to snuggle with them as much as we possibly can, but time isn't always as long as we'd like.

Today...well, let's see, what did we do today? All the girls got baths today. This was the first time we've bathed all three. I would undress the baby and hand her to Adam, who was waiting in the bathroom. He'd scrub her down and hand her back to me, where I would then get the next baby to him, while I was warming, drying and dressing the newly bathed babe! It only took about 20 minutes...not bad for the first try! Reese pooped in the tub which was absolutely gross! It was floating in the water...BLEH! Suprisingly though, I didn't gag and have a freakout! This would have sent me me over the edge just a few months ago, but today, I just cleaned it up...like a champ! Ryann got through her bath with no problems, but then pooed in her towel while Adam dried her off! Silly girls!

Because the girls spent 50 days in the NICU they heard all sorts of alarms, buzzers, noise, people talking and babies crying. In the NICU, we wanted everyone to be quiet around them, but now that they are home, we are very thankful that they are used to the noise. Nothing really upsets these girls! Reese had scooted right next to Regan (yes, we co-bed!) and was screaming in Regan's ear, meanwhile, Regan was sleeping soundly looking so peaceful, like she was laying in a hammock on some tropical island! Wish I could sleep that soundly!

Overall, today was a great day! Tomorrow, Ryann has a dr. appointment at 8:50 in the morning! That is still technically the middle of the night for us since we don't really start our day until about 11:00 or so. This will also be the first time we will be without the girls since bringing them home. We are leaving Reese and Regan home with Mamaw and Papaw Harmon while we venture out with Ryann. It will be much easier toting around just one child to the doctor's office but I'm sure I'll be missing my two other girls!

Well, it's about time to get the bottles ready and start their new 10:00 schedule! Where does the time go? (no time for spell check, sorry for the errors!)

Can we freeze time?

2010-06-14T18:05:00.002-04:00

We just got done feeding our little ones their 5:00 feed and I'm sitting on my couch looking at my sweet little girls realizing how fast things have already changed. I haven't blogged for so long and have so much to catch up on, but if I don't start blogging now, I'll regret not documenting this sweet moment of my life! I'll catch up as time permits, but as of right now, I'm experiencing the closest thing to Heaven on Earth. Children really are such a sweet blessing from the Lord. It's amazing to expeirence it. We got Reese home on Sunday, June 6, 2010, Regan Tuesday, June 8, 2010 and Ryann Saturday, June 12, 2010. Life is good! I just look at their tiny little bodies, how they curl up their legs when you pick them up, how they calm down immediately when they snuggle in the crease of my neck, how they smell, how they cry, how they squeak and all of this just wants me to freeze this moment in time! I have wanted this so desperately for so many years and now I have it...X 3! Every single time I hold them I tell myself to soak in this moment. I just know how fast it's going by and how much they have already changed to take this time for granted. My heart is full!

I'll try to take about 10 min a day to post! I know I'll be so thankful I did later! (I hope I can catch up on the events of the past months, weeks, and days too!)

(Sorry for any rambling...sleep is a wonderful thing for brain functionality!)

It's been a while!

2010-01-30T17:09:00.003-05:00

Hello! I'm back to the bloggersphere! So much to catch up on. Where have I been? Well, I've been here, sort of! It's been a long year, at times difficult, but yet very exciting. Here's a rundown of my last year:

Jan - IVF attempt - 1st try since Audrey and Avery passed away.
Feb - Results in from IVF - no success :(
March - not much, I'm sure I watched March Madness (unwillingly!)
April - March of Dimes Walk. Adam and I gathered a team for the March in honor of Audrey and Avery. What a blessing, it was so great to have them honored and be surrounded by our friends and family. We raised a great amount of money too! Go team!
May - FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer) attempt.
We also went our first ever "camping" trip with the Cunningham's in Hayward, WI. What a great time! One of the best vacations!
June - Results in from FET - no success :(
July - Celebrated our 9th anniversary!
August - Started IVF cycle again. Adam turned 33...WOW!!
September - Still attempting IVF cycle, had ovarian cysts. I turned...31...WOW!!!
October - Finally performed IVF cycle. YAY!!!! It worked!!! {regnant with Triplets!!
November - Finally was able to tell family at Thanksgiving, what a wait that was!
December - Sick, and left work on Dec. 15 due to the sickness and the high risk nature of the pregnancy. December 29th, surgery. Transabdominal Cerclage (TAC) to prevent what happened with Audrey and Avery.

Now!!!! Just recovering from surgery, resting and rejoicing!!! I'll go into more detail later about the babies...so much to say, so much to give God credit for!!!

Sponsor Me at March for Babies!

2009-03-21T19:37:00.001-04:00

It's over...or has it only begun?

2009-02-12T17:59:00.002-05:00

Well, this will unfortunately be a very short and somber post. After receiving a positive home pregnancy test, followed by a positive blood test, I have now miscarried. It's difficult to put into words my thoughts, emotions and feelings right now. I'm sure as the days and weeks follow, I'll be able to have a clearer perspective and reflect a little more objectively that I can at this moment. I have more questions than answers. I find it hard to shut the door on this small, yet highly meaningful chapter in my life. I'm telling myself it's over, although, I feel like this journey has only begun. I'm incredibly blessed to have a support group made up of wonderful family and friends that know how to pray for and love us during this hurtful time. Thank you and love you all!

And We Wait...

2009-02-06T19:27:00.005-05:00

Adam and I started on our journey once again towards parenthood. These past several weeks have been filled with excitement, anticipation, nerves, fear and downright miracles. Tomorrow will be 5 weeks since we took the first step of faith in this process. I started with shots in my stomach. It didn't take much time to get back in the routine. My first shot came with almost no drama. I say "almost" because nothing with IVF comes without a little drama. After battling back and forth with insurance about what they would and wouldn't pay for, we finally got approval for some things and were given the "go ahead" to proceed with purchasing the drugs. We got home, pulled out ALL of the drugs, needles, syringes, oral drugs, etc. and although nerves were present, the daunting "unknown" wasn't looming over us as it was last year. It was all very clear to us. We knew the routine, we understood the process and we knew exactly what and why we were doing this and experienced the results.

So...the first night came. There wasn't the anxious build up like I had last year. I didn't freak out for an hour like I did just one year prior. I didn't fumble with the syringes or worry if I was doing it right. I just simply pulled the drugs out of the refrigerator, drew up the right amount into the syringe and looked around my scarred stomach to find just the right spot for the injection, took a deep breath and gave myself the shot. Don't be fooled, this event didn't go without emotions. As I was searching for the right spot on my stomach for the injection site, I couldn't help but look at my scar that starts at my belly button and be reminded of all that I had already been through. This very visible scar literally represents the heartache I've endured and is and will always be a part of me. So, yes, tears flowed. And every time I took my shots and searched for the injection sites, I thought about Audrey and Avery. I thought about them, and what we have been through to get them, keep them, and let them go. But, instead of cursing the medications and questioning why I had to do this all over again, I learned to bless the medications and the availablity of this process to us. This wasn't easy, but as I look back...I believe this was a profoundly important part to receiving the miracles that were to come.

I went onto have multiple shots, doctor's appointments, blood tests and ultrasounds. A nurse would call me in the late afternoon's to consult with me about my test results and then adjust my medications accordingly. On Saturday, January 24th I had my last doctor's appointment. I heard from the nurse later that afternoon. She said that I would need to take one more night of shots and we'd have our retrieval on Tuesday. I knew I was running low on drugs but didn't realize how low I actually was. We needed 10 cc's but the vile appeared empty except for a little drop swirling around and the very bottom. I called the specialty pharmacy we had been using, but they were already closed. Panic started to set in. From previous experience, I knew this was a specialty drug and cannot be found at any random drug store and needed to be ordered weeks ago if they were to carry it. I wasn't sure what to do, other than just pray. I got the vile out of the fridge, sat down at the table and started drawing the medication out. After studying and starring at the vile we were hoping for just 1 cc, not 10. I started drawing the syringe back and the capsule began to fill up. I kept pulling the syringe back and it kept filling up. We got 10 CC's! We couldn't even believe our eyes! In fact, there was just about 1 cc left over! I honestly couldn't believe it! Adam and I witnessed a miracle! Adam kept saying, "God multiplies!" I really couldn't believe what the Lord just did. This was biblical proportions! Why do we put our God in a box and limit what He can do? He is God! He created the heavens and earth! He can give me 10 cc's out of a droplet! Why do we doubt and restrict Him? To put this into even greater perspective...just one week prior, I received a word from the Lord. He told me to get a new journal and I would be filling it up with the miracles He was going to give me. He told me to "hope in miracles". WOW! Just one week, to the day, we witnessed an absolute miracle and you bet that it was my first miracle logged in my new journal!

Tuesday, January 27th, exactly 52 weeks, 365 days later, we had our egg retrieval and our babies were conceived. (We even had the same nurse!) This was our second miracle in my new journal. Let me explain... The last ultrasound I had showed only 9 follicles, at best. Only 6 of them looked like they were responding correctly. This made me nervous because last year we had 14. Because of this, I struggled to hang onto hope as I knew we only had essentially 6 this year. When the day of the retrieval came I was nervous and apprehensive about what the outcome would be. Shortly after the retrieval, I recall hearing Adam saying that we had 14 eggs! I remember saying..."14!?!" Adam again said, "God multiplies!" He took 9 eggs, 6 only appearing viable and multiplied them into 14!!! Why did I underestimate the power of God?!!!!

Two days later we heard from the lab. Of the 14 eggs, 12 fertilized! We went to the transfer on Sunday feeling very confident, but yet still a little anxious to find out how many we had left. We knew from experience last year that 14 can go to 9, then 5, then 4, then 3 with none left over to freeze. (We hoped to have some to freeze because we knew we'd want to expand our family some day.) At this transfer they came in and said that they still had great looking babies and that we will have atleast 6 that freeze! How amazing! Again, Adam said, "God multiplies!" Two babies were transferred and all was successful! God is powerful, big, and beyond our comprehension!

And now here we are. We wait. We hope. We dream. We pray. We believe. This has brought me to a place of complete surrender. There is nothing I can do. God is the ONLY creator of LIFE. I've done all I can do. The technicians have done all they can do. The doctor has done all he can do. Now we just wait on God. Waiting is blissfully divine and yet dreadfully terrible. You are anticipating the best and fearing the worst. So...as I wait, my faith is stretched. My trust in the Lord is growing. He is teaching me how to lean on Him again and bury my head in His chest. The Lord has put me in a beautifully peaceful place with this process. However, resting in this peace isn't easy. I had peace for my children. I had peace while I was on bed rest, I had peace when I was in the hospital, I had peace as they rushed me into surgery, I had peace when I saw my babies for the first time and I had peace when I held them in arms and gave them back to the Lord. Peace with the Lord doesn't mean things will always go my way. Peace with the Lord means that "no matter what happens, we will be okay." Again, another quote from Adam.

Can you hear the rumblings? The questions resound in our household and the households of our families, "Are you going to take a pregnancy test early? And if so, when?" I really have yet to decide. Do I take it early or do I wait for Tuesday's blood test? The question that resonates within me is, "Could this be the last day without them?" If I take a test tomorrow and it's positive, this is the last night without having my children! I know the transfer was Sunday, but any mom can relate...from the moment you look at that positive test, you are different. You know it happens. Your heart and mind comes together and you begin to hope and dream for the future in a whole new way! I've held and protected these hopes and dreams in a very safe place in my heart, but that special moment is they key that unlocks them allowing them to flourish and grow! If our test is negative, I will surely have to face disappointment. But I will be okay.

I can't help but reflect on our life, the memories created and the journey we have traveled to get to this very moment. The details are sometimes a blur an sometimes remarkably fresh. But nevertheless, the memories have been created and it's our path. This is a walk that God has purposely given to us. This predestined journey is specifically for us and I wouldn't trade it for anything. If I didn't have to go through this, I wouldn't have experienced God's power in the miracles he performed before our eyes. So, how can I curse this journey? It's a beautiful, faith-filled walk, that He created just for us. I can't wait to see all that He has for us on this path! He has taught us so much through this process. I've grown closer to Him and have a new understanding of who He is. And so, no matter what results I receive, I know He is here, I know He is faithful and I know I will be in the shelter of the Lord's wings.

"He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; His faithfulness will be your shield and rampart." Psalm 91:4

"Hope in miracles!" and "God multiplies!"

So long 2008, here we are 2009!

2009-01-03T15:39:00.004-05:00

Welcome 2009! I'm so glad you're here! 2008 was filled with the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. As I reflect on 2008, I'm overwhelmed with mixed emotions but with an underlying feeling of thankfulness. In fact, one year ago today, the first Saturday of the year, I was taking my first hormone shots for In-Vitro. I remember the anxiety, the excitement, the emotional exhaustion of that day. I was terrified at the thought of administering a shot to myself, let alone in my stomach! I was scared and yet strangely excited. I knew that this meant that we were finally on the road to our children. Although, I didn't want to give myself shots and starring at the table full of drugs seemed a little daunting, I was choosing this road. I was choosing to do whatever it took to have a family. I can look back at that day and remember the emotions, but also I realize how naive I was to the future. Little did I know what was to come this past year. I had no idea that one year ago today, was the start of something so great, yet so painful. I am so thankful that God doesn't give us too much insight into the future. If God would allow me to see what would happen, I think I would have chose not to do the In-Vitro to spare the heartache. But, I can't hardly bare to think of what all I would have missed. I would have missed the joy I experienced the first time I took a positive pregnancy test and the total awe I had in God's power. I would have missed hearing the most beautiful sound God created, the heartbeat of your children. I would have missed having the ultrasounds and seeing my sweet children move about inside of me. I would have missed feeling them kick and move and dreaming about what they looked like. I would have missed the moment of when I saw my children for the first time. I would have missed feeling the instant, indescribable and overpowering love God gives you for your children. I would have missed seeing their sweet faces, kissing them gently, and holding them tightly. Yes, I could have missed out on the pain and heartache, but I would have missed out on experiencing God's healing touch in my life. I am incredibly humbled by our God. Although He knew how much pain we would endure, He also knew how much we would receive. I am so thankful God doesn't let us see the future. If we knew what was to come, our innate reaction is to avoid hurt and pain, but by doing this we would most definitely avoid God's greatest blessings. God is speaking loudly to me to TRUST HIM!

"And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purposes." Romans 8:28

So, as I end this blog, I'm stepping out in boldness and faith and sharing something with you. Adam and I are starting our journey to have a family once again. As strange as it may sound, today, yes today, one year later, the first Saturday of the year, I am taking my first shot for our next round of In-Vitro. Last year Adam and I chose to keep our journey to ourselves but this time around we've decided to share our journey with our friends and family. After all that we've been through, we realize how great it is to have the support of our closest family and friends through difficult and trying times. We know that this journey won't be easy but hope that with God's support and your encouragement, we'll come through this and receive all that the Lord has for us! Please keep us in your prayers throughout this next month. I will be sure to keep my blog updated with the latest news on our journey into parenthood!

Love and multiple blessings to you this 2009! We are declaring that THIS is the year of the Lord's favor in our lives!

-Tami