A Mother's Love

It's really hit me these past few days how much I truly love being a "Mom". Having this title was something that I had dreamed about so often these past 10 years. Sure, I knew I'd love being a mom and having a baby (or in my case, babies!) But I never realized to the extent that I would love it. Not to really compare myself to others, but I have to wonder, does everyone really love being a mom as much as I do or am I just crazy?!? I love it so much, to the point that I think I could easily see us having more in the near future. Tell me moms: Am I just in the "honeymoon stage?" Does it get harder instead of easier? I guess, I think the hardest has already been. Those first few weeks home from the hospital, with little sleep, changing diapers with one eye open, those were the hardest moments. But, if I can be completely honest, I know this sounds ridiculous, it wasn't all that bad! Maybe it's all relative. After going through years of infertility, only to conceive, carry, deliver and bury our twins, and then to have such a rough pregnancy again, only to deliver the girls so early, spending 6 weeks in the hospital worrying about their tiny lives, I guess all of this makes a little sleep deprivation seem minuscule compared to how bad things could really be. I'm not sure I would have loved motherhood this much if I hadn't gone through all that I have had to face these past few years and so, for that, I am thankful for those trials. If it weren't for those difficult times, I'm not sure I would treasure every moment the way I do now. I have to think that I wouldn't take in the moments like I have been with these girls if I hadn't lost Audrey and Avery. Every single time I pick up one of the girls, and yes, it's every single time, I have a "moment" when I just think about them, what they feel like, their weight, what they smell like, etc. and realize the magnitude of what I have in my arms. It sounds cheesy, but it's true. I really appreciate the blessings God has bestowed upon me. I view them like little treasures that you handle with such gentleness and tenderness. I know how precious it is, because of what I've lost. I'm so thankful that God has allowed me to be home with the girls and really by His grace, He has made my home peaceful so that I can thoroughly enjoy every moment I have with them. I didn't have much time with Audrey and Avery, but by His grace and His amazing love for me, He's giving me the chance to fully experience a Mother's Love.

5 Signs of Teething -- wait...did I just say "Teething?"

I'm suprised to even type this, but I think my baby has begun teething! I know we are in the early stages, but all signs indicate we have officially entered into this phase, ready or not! Regan hasn't been herself since Monday. She doesn't eat well, is fussy after feeding and hasn't slept well. She has a small rash on her chin, although, I haven't noticed much drooling, she has been chewing on her fists a little more frequently, which could contribute to the rash. She wants to be held and consoled often, which is not like her either. She was the easy one, just feed her and she was happy! From what I read, these are all signs of teething! They are almost 4 months old so it's not out of the question, even though they were preemies. I'm just not ready for this! I want them to stay little ones for just a little longer...Please Lord!! :) Here's what the article on What to Expect says about this new phase of life I'm about to stumble into... (sigh)

5 Signs of Teething -- Baby Development Month by Month -- WhatToExpect.com

It's all worth it!

It was a rough day. I was tired and the girls (Reese and Regan) were fussy all day. It's not like them to fuss, they cry right before they eat and then they are good. Today was a different story. They just wanted held and cried off and on all day. I'm not sure what the problem is, but as soon as I would pick them up they'd stop crying, so I don't think they are sick. So, it's been a LONG day to say the least, but at the last feed, when I was almost at my wits end, Ryann looks at me and laughs. It was a quiet laugh, but she laughed! It just made my day!!! There will be days like this, that are difficult, stressful, or even overwhelming, but at the end of the day, it's all worth it! It's worth every bit of it! There's not a moment I would wish away, only time I wish I could get back! It just goes so quickly! Even though I'm trying to savor every moment, they just fly by before I've had time to really soak it in!

I am not "Sleeping thru the night"

We haven't been doing middle of the night feedings for 3 weeks today, so technically, the girls have been "sleeping thru the night"...but why am I so tired? Here's my observation: I think it's a misconception that when your baby is sleeping thru the night, that you are as well! Maybe I'm doing something wrong, but I don't seem to get much more sleep than when I was getting up for the middle of the night feedings. Here is what last night was like: I feed at 10:00, which lasts til 10:30. By the time the feed is over, the girls are put to bed and I can finally sit and pump it is nearly 11:00. So, then I pump til about 11:30. Finally, I fall asleep around 11:45-midnight. At 2:30, I start waking up, knowing it's time to pump but am too tired to actually wake up and do so. By 3:00, I'm awake and pumping. I'm back in bed around 3:45. At 4:05, Reese starts crying, so I get out of bed and comfort her, giving her a paci and rubbing her head. After she settles, I go back to bed. 15 minutes later, she's crying again. I get out of bed and console her again, only this time, picking her up and holding her. Because she's really just asleep but fussy, she doesn't want held, so I lay her down, give her a paci (which she doesn't really want), rub her head and she goes back to sleep. 15 min later, same thing, but I just go in and put a paci in and console her, she is almost asleep. Now, it's after 5:00. Finally back to bed. 6:15, Reese is crying and hungry. Time to wake up and feed them. I could put it off and wait for their scheduled 7:00 feeding, but she'll just cry for an hour, and Ryann and Regan start stirring this close to feeding time, so why put it off! Now it's 6:15 and I'm up working with the only solid sleep I got from 11:45-2:30. This is a typical night. It varies between the baby that needs consoling but typically, whenever they get fussy in the middle of the night, it usually takes me about two-three trips to console them and the routine is about the same. They wake up, cry or fuss a little, need some minor consoling and a possile paci and they are ok. So, yes, my babies are "sleeping thru the night," but I am not! Sure, I can go back to sleep after this feeding, but it's always sleeping with one eye open. I know my sweet husband says that I should just sleep all day long if I want, but in all reality, "all day" is only about 45 min here or 30 min there. I could close my eyes during that time, but then the bottles need washed and laundry folded. (note: I could have people come over and help fold laundry and wash bottles, but it's just easier to take the time and do it myself. I usually tell myself, I'll give myself 15 min to do those chores and I'm going back to bed, but typically, the quick task turns into something else or commonly, a baby begins to fuss and I get distracted. I do have people chomping at the bit to help, but we all know how our mind works. We think, "It's just easier to get it done quickly and I can go to bed," only the "go to bed" part just doesn't seem to happen!) So, if my babies are "sleeping thru the night" and I could "sleep all day long if I wanted" why am I so tired!?!

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Picture Time!

Erica came to visit last week! We decided to have a photo session with the girls! I think we enjoyed way more than they did! They were over it before we even started! And yes, there were some fights in there, as you'll see below! Haha! Here are some pictures from Erica's camera: (I need to download all my pictures! They add up quickly on my camera!)

My goodness, I love these girls!

Pumping isn't so bad

I used to dread my middle of the night pumpings. Its no fun waking up out of a dead sleep only to hook yourself up like a cow on a processing line that needs milked. But, I'm starting to use this time to update my blog. There's not much else I can do but sit here and wait. I used to try to stay as asleep as possible, but it doesn't really matter, I'm awake! So, maybe I'll begin utilizing this time a little better and get some things off my 'bucket list' completed! 'm not quite sure why it's taken me this long to think of using this time to my advantage. I suppose that sleep deprivation delays all common sense! I got around to this idea, it only took me 3 months to get there! I'm sure there's a downfall to posting my random thoughts in the middle of the night ...I ramble and may not make much sense, but hey, I don't really go back and read them anyway so I guess you will be left to unscramble my thoughts! Sorry!

My Bucket List

I sit here thinking about all the things I'd like to do and I've realized I have created my own bucket list, well atleast for the next few months. It's amazing how my mind starts running about all the things I need or want to get completed. I wonder how I'll accomplish all of this with 3 little ones that need so much of my time! But with much organization, and with the Grandma's coming over to babysit, I'm confindent I'll be able to complete these items...well, atleast before I kick the bucket! (Ha...is that the term? Who knows!)

Clear out house for garage sale August 21
Create, print, address and mail out birth announcements
Organize scrapbooks for girls
Finish decorating girls room
Update, recreate and post to my blog
Write/Update baby books
Learn how to work my camera
Read more books - Laura Bush's memoir, Karen Kingsbury, Bringing Up Girls, etc.
Research food - would like to eat clean, not meat and food injected with hormones, etc.
Set up new budget
Prepare a newsletter for WM
Cook...learn how to cook!
Landscape backyard
Exercise
Plant a garden
Learn how to use my sewing machine
Relax - maybe next year!

Think I'll start with...oh wait, a baby is crying! I'll have to get back to this later! Ha!